And What's On the Other Side, or 100 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me The Day I Came Out And All the Days Since

1.  It's going to get better, but first, it's going to get awkward.

2.  Your first priority should be finding yourself, not a boyfriend.

3.  They don't hate you, you're just hungry.

4.  If you think it's time to leave a bar, you should have left ten minutes ago.

5.  You are somebody's type just the way you are.

6.  Your actions are your character, your interests are your personality.

7.  That long distance relationship is not going to work.

8.  If he hates his body, you are not going to change his mind.

9.  I'm sure flies think spiderwebs are pretty right before they get too close.

10.  Never live with someone if your name's not on the lease.

11.  Despite what you're going to tell your girlfriends, he's not more mature just because he's older.

12.  Two dates in one night is a bad idea.

13.  Wait six months before you make a commitment.

14.  You don't have to like something just because somebody covered it in a rainbow and turned it into a musical.

15.  Take that shirt off. You don't even like it.

16.  What someone is wearing bears no relationship to how much money they have.

17.  If it was going to happen, you would have known in the first five minutes. This isn't a movie. The good stuff isn't arriving in the last ten minutes.

18.  A bad kisser is a deal-breaker so please stop doing so much with your lips. This isn't an Italian art film.

19.  The minute you start to feel like you're playing a game, there is no chance of a healthy relationship. Enjoy the game if you want to play it, because that's all you're getting out of it from that point on.

20.  A little mystery goes a long way.

21.  Phone calls are a nightmare, but you are not someone who can properly convey tone through text, so yeah, I dunno, voice memos?

22.  You need more hair gel.

23.  Do not drive by his house one more time.

24.  It is easy for people to take away things they've given you. It is difficult for them to take away things you've given yourself.

25.  No, his ex-boyfriends are not crazy.  He has "crazy" ex-boyfriends the same way Henry VIII had six awful ex-wives.

26.  Do not date someone for the reaction you're going to get when people find out you're dating.

27.  Funny guys are better at everything. Dating, sex, putting up with your bullshit--Everything.

28.  Of course he's happy, he's stupid. Move on.

29.  If you had gone, you would have left after an hour, so why are you torturing yourself for missing it?

30.  I regret to inform you that "I just came from a funeral" is, hands down, the hottest you will ever look.

31.  When you get to a party, bar, club, etc--you are permitted to do one lap around the place every hour to see if anybody interesting has shown up, and once that's done, you need to engage with the person you're with and stop darting your eyes everywhere like a lookout at a bank robbery.

32.  Always get your own room when you go away. I don't care how much extra it costs.

33.  If you have to say something emotional, don't say it in a voicemail or an email.

34.  Find opportunities to be goofy. It's been mostly disproven that there's any kind of type that exists for straight men, but not gay men, but there is one, and it's that goofy straight guy who has just the right amount of confidence and a total lack of personal insecurity. Gay men can often present as confident, but it always seems to be masking insecurity. Let goofiness be the goal.

35.  It's okay to ask people what their intentions are. Whether they're honest with you about them or not is another story.

36.  All your "funny" stories need five-minute time limits.

37.  Paul Newman was the sexiest man who ever lived and never in his entire life did he have a six-pack so, yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

38.  You do not need that many t-shirts. Nine, tops.

39.  If he ever uses the word "masc" when he tells you what he's looking for, never speak to him again.

40.  That's not your voice. Just talk like your normally do.

41.  Worry more about maintaining the relationships you have rather than creating new ones.

42.  Read the room then read it again until you understand it.

43.  Nobody has the right to ruin your birthday.

44.  Don't be so judgmental.

45.  Try it on before you buy it.

46.  Yes, he is ghosting you.

47.  Go for a walk.

48.  Okay, but don't go for too many walks. It's getting weird.

49.  It won't kill you to go to a straight bar for a change.

50.  Don't tone it down; turn it up. Let them choke.

51.  Sometimes karma is just time and bad genes.

52.  It's not their fault, but every straight person you know grew up watching gay people be secondary characters in movies. Whether they realize it or not, they have been taught that this is your purpose--to be a supplemental person in their lives. You have also been taught this, because you've watched the same movies they have. You are not a secondary character in anybody's life.

53.  That charisma you think he has is CHAOS ENERGY.

54.  There is not a hat on earth that is going to look on your head.

55.  There's no negotiating the terms of someone's toxicity with them. You are not in control of how much radiation you're going to be exposed to. Just walk away.

56.  Yeah, maybe he improved for the guy he's with now, or maybe he's exactly the same and this guy just doesn't care. Either way, it's none of your business and you're better off anyway.

57.  That won't matter tomorrow.

58.  That won't matter next week.

59.  Next year you won't even remember their name.

60.  You're not crazy--Summer really is the worst season.

61.  He doesn't want a boyfriend; he wants a father. So unless you can figure out how to go back in time and marry his mother, you're out of luck.

62.  Some people try to make themselves look like a treasure by standing next to a trashcan. Never be somebody's trashcan.

63.  Lower your expectations for what makes for a successful Pride, New Year's Eve, and Birthday. Aim for having one nice interaction with someone on each of these days. Even half an interaction. Just don't put so much pressure on yourself to make an event out of these occasions.

64.  If you have something to say to somebody, just say it, because they already hid you on social media, so they're not seeing that vague status you posted about them.

65.  Do not spend three weeks pining over a boy who smells like low tide.

66.  Some of the most homophobic shit you're ever going to hear are going to be said to you by other gay people.

67.  I shouldn't be telling you this, but if you really don't want to see two people get together, say to one or both of them "I think you guys are going to be really good for each other."

68.  The way to teach a friend a lesson in appreciating you isn't to make them an enemy; it's to make them an acquaintance.

69.  Very little in life is like the movies.

70.  He's not interesting; it's just the accent.

71.  Live your life as though one day there's going to be an app called "Timehop" that's going to show you everything you post online year-after-year and you will not have the self-discipline to look away.

72.  Never trust a man who wears a baseball cap in all his photos.

73.  You can learn everything you need to know about someone by having pizza with them.

74.  Always notice the things people keep around them that they think makes them look impressive and ask yourself if there's anything to them beyond those things.

75.  Sometimes you remind somebody of a time in their life they don't want to remember, and that's why they cut ties with you. Don't take it personally.

76.  Learn how to fall in love with your back-up plans.

77.  Never be afraid to absolutely lose your shit every time you see a dog, no matter who's watching.

78.  Make a meal you love and put it in the fridge before you go out. You'll thank yourself later.

79.  You'll never be punctual, so you'd better get really good at apologizing.

80.  If you're at a party for longer than five minutes, and nobody comes up to introduce themselves, you're at the wrong party.

81.  Here's some gay math for you:  When you make plans with seven gay men, three are going to show up. Maybe four. One more reason to be generous with your invitations, because statistically, only half the guest list is going to attend.

82.  The minute you step out of the closet, you are slightly less attractive to men than you were in it, and that is wildly unfair, and just the way things go.

83.  There is nothing immature about deciding you do not want to stay friends with an ex. You can love a movie and never want to watch it again once it's over.

84.  If he's calling his Mom's basement a "speakeasy" when it's decorated with a bar, two air hockey tables, and a miniature jukebox, you need to ask to use the bathroom, and then jump out the window.

85.  Always offer to drive people home.

86.  There is a period of time between meeting someone and becoming exclusive with them where you are still permitted to date others, and that is a wonderful time that you should thoroughly take advantage of provided you're transparent about it. One good date should not bring the rest of your life to a grinding halt. Give yourself six months with someone before you make any big decisions, because by then, you'll have gotten a condensed version of what a relationship would look like.

87.  You should never speak for anyone but yourself unless asked to.

88.  You know what's really sexy?  Therapy.

89.  If he calls Applebee's his "home away from home," cut the date short and ask for a to-go bag for your mozzarella sticks.

90.  Dance like nobody's watching, because if they were watching, they'd probably go "Oof" and then look away.

91.  Nobody will ever measure up to Chris O'Donnell in the Robin suit.

92.  Get that jawline in EVERY photo. In this house, we put our best feet forward, young man.

93.  If somebody asks you about past experiences, be sure and say "And then of course there was Lance, but I can't say much more than that."

94.  You shouldn't worry about labels, but in case you're wondering, you're a lemur.

95.  Contrary to what you're going to tell yourself, you are not going to solve any problem at 3am while sitting in the shower listening to the My Best Friend's Wedding soundtrack.

96.  He's not perfect for you. You're just projecting what you'd like him to be onto him because he has no personality to get in the way.

97.  All your best dates are going to be on Thursday's. No idea why.

98.  I can't say it's normal for you to have a crush on Robbie from Dinosaurs, but I guess it is what it is.

99.  Every day that you are out is going to be more rewarding, more exciting, and more fulfilling than any day you would have had otherwise.

100.  You still need more hair gel.