The Community and the Gaycationer

Two years ago, I started interviewing people in the theater world about the problems within that community.

All the subjects of the interviews remained anonymous to encourage people to speak directly and plainly without worrying that there would be consequences down the line.

(Of course, even then, some people felt like outing themselves and getting in hot water, but we're going to leave that water under another bridge.)

When I decided it was time to bring the series to a close, it was partly because I thought it had run its course, and partly because I had a new topic I wanted to tackle.

While I've had my issues with theater and the people who do it, I've never felt like I didn't belong there, whereas from the moment I came out, I've never truly felt like a part of the gay community.

To be clear, that probably has way more to do with me than the community, but it's something I wanted to explore, and I knew how I wanted to do it.

The theater interviews were always conducted with people who didn't live anywhere near me, and there was a reason for that. We like to think that if we can attach a problem to someone we know, we can fix the problem, and I've never found that to be the case. Problems within systems are not caused by any one person, but the system itself. That's the case in theater, and I believe it's the same for the LGBTQ community.

So I picked a city far from my own, and I started reaching out to gay men in that city. I spent a few months following as many of them as I could on social media, and then I began asking if I could interview them. The goal was to see if we could address some of the issues of the modern gay community and get to the heart of those issues while hopefully find some solutions.

This week, I'm speaking with "Tyler." He's been an active leader in his community until recently, when his dedication to the community was questioned based on something I've never seen someone taken to task for up until now.

Here's the interview:

ME:  Can you hear me okay?

TYLER:  There's a little bit of an echo.

ME:  Is that going to bother you?

TYLER:  Oh, it's gone now.

ME:  Great. We could just use the phone, but I like seeing people's faces. It actually helps.

TYLER:  You like spending even more time on Zoom?

ME:  I look forward to when this will be the only thing I have to do on Zoom.

TYLER:  Thanks for doing this. It's been--We're all talking about it here.

ME:  Yeah, this'll be the fifth interview. How is it being received?

TYLER:  I was on a call yesterday with some of my friends, and we're all talking about it. Good job.

ME:  But good talk or--

TYLER:  Yeah, good talk. It's interesting. I'm honored you wanted to talk with me.

ME:  Well, when you reached out, I thought--This is something I've never heard of, in terms of somebody--I don't want to say getting in trouble, but--

TYLER:  It's a first for me too.

ME:  So let's start at the top--How old are you?

TYLER:  I am twenty-nine.

ME:  For real twenty-nine or--

TYLER:  I'll be thirty in September.

ME:  You looking forward to it?

TYLER:  If I can have a big party, then yes. Hopefully by then--

ME:  I don't know if it can be a big party but--

TYLER:  I'll take any party.

ME:  And how long have you been out?

TYLER:  Since I was twenty.

ME:  And how long have you been active in your community?

TYLER:  I started working with charities here right away. My first boyfriend was active in politics and local politics. He used to volunteer for everything and he would take me along--He was older than me--

ME:  By how much?

TYLER:  I was twenty, he was thirty-one.

ME:  Whoa.

TYLER:  You going to do an interview about age differences?

ME:  Oh, it's coming.

TYLER:  Have me back for that one. I have some stories.

ME:  Maybe I will.

TYLER:  He was a great guy though.

ME:  Why did you break up?

TYLER:  Uh, because I was twenty and he was thirty-one.

ME:  (Laughs.)  Fair. But he got you into community engagement.

TYLER:  Yes.

ME:  So you've been active in the community for almost ten years.

TYLER:  Yes.

ME:  And what does that involve?

TYLER:  I've been the Chair of Pride for the past four years. I've raised--I can't even tell you how much I've raised for the charities we have here that help people with HIV/AIDS. I started a program that helped reconstruct the sexual education programs we have in schools here to make sure that LGBTQI kids were getting informed in a way that was specific to them. I've worked with teens in the community, runaways--Anytime somebody needs me I'm there.

ME:  Did you ever face any criticism from anybody else in the community?

TYLER:  For the work I was doing? No. You get criticism from gay men for lots of reasons. I don't always get along with everyone, but I--I feel like I've always been--The volunteer work I do and the charity work I do has always been something that was off-limits, because I think people saw how good my intentions were and, uh, I'll say that I think--I think it's all right for me to say that I don't think anybody else in this community works as hard as I do on a lot of these issues. I've spoken at government hearings about issues important to this community, and I never got criticized when I was representing the community, and I assumed that to mean that even if people didn't want to get a drink with me at a bar, they still respected what I was doing for all of us.

ME:  When did that change?

TYLER:  A year ago.

ME:  Pre-Pollyanna.

TYLER:  Yes.

ME:  What happened then?

TYLER:  That's when some of the organizations I work with begin making plans for the summer. The previous summer--The summer of 2019--We had some issues with a few of the events we had planned. Lots of things that were out of everybody's control went wrong, and we spent a lot of time discussing what could have been the cause of that. I was under the impression that we had decided what the problems were, and that we were confident those problems would not happen again and that we had moved on. It wasn't until the beginning of February when I found out that the people I was working with at those organizations began coming up to me and contacting me to tell me that talks were being had about asking to remove me from those organizations.

ME:  From multiple organizations?

TYLER:  Yes.

ME:  That's really serious.

TYLER:  It's very serious. It's the type of thing--I would expect that if I had assaulted someone or--uh, I don't even know what. But it's serious and I asked--Why?

ME:  And what was the response?

TYLER:  Well, you know, people don't want to be upfront with you at first. You have to dig in and get answers. They were basically accusing me of not bein available for the events that the organizations were holding, and so it was them saying--or basically accusing me of--dereliction of duty. Something like that. Really they were mad because I went on vacation a few times.

ME:  Okay, so I've done some of my own homework on this.

TYLER:  I would expect you to do that, yes.

ME:  The--I don't know if I would call them an accusation, but--The feeling seems to be that you were absent for all of the events that summer. Is that true?

TYLER:  I was there for one of them.

ME:  But when we're talking about how many you missed, how many was that?

TYLER:  For any one organization or--

ME:  Just, for the whole summer.

TYLER:  I would have missed ten? Ten to fifteen.

ME:  That's a lot.

TYLER:  I was still doing work for the organizations, and I had let the people running the events, at the organizations, know that I would not be attending those events, so I wasn't just not showing up. They knew I wouldn't be there.

ME:  But I think their complaint was that you're a pretty high-ranking individual in these organizations, so you not be able to be there--

TYLER:  I've always missed most of them. This was--In 2019--That was the first summer when I missed that many.

ME:  Why did you miss that many?

TYLER:  I was away.

ME:  For work?

TYLER:  No.

ME:  So you were on vacation all summer?

TYLER:  I was not on vacation all summer. I do work. In addition to the volunteer work I do, I have a day job, and I would work doing the week, volunteer, and then I would go away on the weekends, and that's what made it hard to make a lot of those events.

ME:  Where do you go on the weekends?

TYLER:  Sometimes [Name of Place], mostly that. I think I was in [Name of Place] one weekend, and one weekend I went to Greece.

ME:  Mykonos?

TYLER:  (Laughs.)  Yes. I went to Spain. I went to a few Prides. I was there for Pride in our city. That was the event I went to and worked, and that was a big one. I put in a lot of work for that one.

ME:  And probably had some fun along the way?

TYLER:  (Laughs.)  Yes. Pride is always fun. I went to Providence Pride too.

ME:  I would love to know who you met in Providence.

TYLER:  I believe I made out with a guy named [Man's Name].

ME:  Oh, I know her.

TYLER:  Not a great kisser.

ME:  No comment.

TYLER:  (Laughs.) But I had fun.

ME:  How many Prides do you go to in a given year?

TYLER:  You can go--You can do them all year long, because every place has them at different times during the year.

ME:  So like five?

TYLER:  More than five.

ME:  You do more than five Prides?

TYLER:  You don't like Pride?

ME:  It's just--It might be because I'm old. One Pride goes a long way for me. I get tired.

TYLER:  You have to pace yourself, but I enjoy it.

ME:  And that's in addition to you traveling to other places and spending time in gaycation spots?

TYLER:  Yes.

ME:  How much do you spend going on vacation in an average year?

TYLER:  I would say somewhere between twenty-six and twenty-seven thousand.

ME:  No, I mean, in one year.

TYLER:  That would be one year.

ME:  Hang on, I need to go get my stress ball.

TYLER:  (Laughs.)  It's what I love. Some people have a house. Some people have kids. I like to travel.

ME:  But you're doing a very specific kind of traveling. Like, you're not going to Machu Picchu. It's all very gay-based. You're a gaycationer.

TYLER:  I'll take that. I like going places where I feel secure and welcome.

ME:  I think you can be secure and welcome in lots of places even if they're not designated as a gay vacation spot.

TYLER:  I just like what I like.

ME:  How can you possibly spend that much though? Do you make that much?

TYLER:  I make enough to make it happen.

ME:  What does that mean?

TYLER:  I spend a lot of my income on it, but I'm not--I mean, I'm sitting here. You can see I'm dressed. I eat.

ME:  So most of your income goes to traveling?

TYLER:  A lot of it, yes.

ME:  Then you have people at home criticizing you for working for gay organizations where you live but then putting all your money into other gay communities?

TYLER:  I don't know if that's how they would frame it.

ME:  Right, I'm framing it that way.

TYLER:  That's how you feel about it?

ME:  What I'm trying to reconcile is that you spend a lot of effort trying to better the community you're in. Nobody is disputing that. But I'm looking at what I'm guessing is the busy season for fundraisers and major events in your community, and you're not there for any of them, because you're spending time and money in the sort of--I guess you could say go-to spots for gay people.

TYLER:  I believe I should be allowed to travel and travel to where I like.

ME:  Do you think it's at all excessive though?

TYLER:  I think that's not for anyone to say but me.

ME:  That's why I'm asking you. Do you think it's excessive?

TYLER:  In terms of money or time?

ME:  Either? Both?

TYLER:  I know it's a lot of money. I would say that, unlike the previous person you interviewed, I have no traveled at all during the pandemic, and it's been detrimental to my mental health.

ME:  Do you think enjoying travel can be somebody's personality?

TYLER:  As opposed to what?

ME:  A hobby?

TYLER:  I don't know why that would matter.

ME:  Because if something is a part of your identity, then there's really no way for any kind of dedication to it to be excessive, but if it's a hobby and you're spending in the high twenties on it every year--

TYLER:  I wouldn't mind saying it's part of my identity.

ME:  I could ask myself the same thing about theater. I thought theater was my entire personality and then I realized, a few years ago, that something you do can't be who you are. Or it can't be all you are. You can't be 'The Guy Who Goes on All the Gay Vacations.' There has to be something else there, because, yes, then you have a situation where you're not able to do the thing, and if the thing is who you think you are, it is going to be hard for you to then be without it.

TYLER:  I can agree with that. I don't I'm 'The Guy Who Goes on All the Gay Vacations.' I think there's a lot more to me than that.

ME:  Can I read you something one of your colleagues sent me when I asked about you?

TYLER:  Go right ahead.

ME:  Tyler was an asset to this community up until three years ago when his obsession with projecting a successful lifestyle by way of photos of him flying first-class, eating at five-star restaurants, sleeping in hotel suites, etc. became more important to him than being of service. He is entitled to spend his money the way he sees fit, but when you're working with young people who do not have a home and they see you on Instagram in a hot tub on a rooftop in Europe, it presents a problem for how people view your priorities. This did not happen once or twice. It was becoming a weekly occurrence, as is--And then he says some things I won't read--

TYLER:  No, read it.

ME:  I don't think I need to read it.

TYLER:  I'd like to read it.

ME:  --as is the flagrant drug use and poor decision-making. While his love for this community and the people who serve it have never been called into question, many of us do not wish to allow him to use us as one more thing he can post about for clout. He made a comment to someone else we work with that he would not 'be caught dead' at one of the bars here. While there is a conversation to be had about how much socializing happens in bars here, it cannot be denied that if you believe you are above going to those bars, because you prefer the bars in places like [Name of Gay Destination Spot] or [Name of Gay Destination Spot], you are making people feel you are above THEM and you are missing an important chance to connect and help at events since many are held at bars and clubs in the area. I wish him well, but I believe he has changed as have his priorities.

(Silence.)

Was hearing any of that surprising to you?

TYLER:  Um. Sorry. Just need a second.

ME:  Sure.

(Silence.)

TYLER:  Okay, where do I start--

ME:  I can send this to you if you want to look at it and then respond--

TYLER:  The biggest thing is--I knew there was jealousy happening in the community because of the kind of life I'm able to provide myself because of how hard I work, and I do work very hard.

ME:  Do you see what he's saying though about how--We've already talked a lot about how sometimes addiction doesn't look the way people think it should. I think posting on social media can be an addiction. Going to the gym can be an addiction. Could traveling and traveling for the reasons you do possibly have become an addiction to you?

TYLER:  You're talking about the drugs?

ME:  No, I don't think we should get into that.

TYLER:  I'm happy to talk about it.

ME:  I just think it's above my paygrade in terms of what I can discuss with you, and in the event people find out your real name, which sometimes happens, I don't know if it would be a good idea for you to talk about it.

TYLER:  I just want to say that there's no proof of me doing drugs. I haven't posted online any photos or anything of me doing drugs. Period.

ME:  But I was asking about traveling itself, the act of traveling, and the act of spending so much time in the places that you do--

TYLER:  What's wrong with those places?

ME:  Nothing. And nothing is wrong with Six Flags either, but I don't want to spend half a year there.

TYLER:  People live in these places. They have houses there.

ME:  And you're someone who, according to you, has made it a huge part of your life that you want to make an impact in the community you live in, and this person is saying that in order to do that, or I guess, that it would be harder to do that if you're not present for some of these events. It's like how Oscar Wilde said "Life happens at parties."  A lot of gay life happens, unfortunately, at bars. At clubs. At these big summer block parties. And where you put your money does indicate where you want to put your support. When you're in a place like [Name of Gay Destination], you're giving money to those restaurants and those bars and those hotels, and many of them are gay-owned, so that's great, but when you're there every weekend, and then when you say you won't go to local bars or clubs--

TYLER:  I didn't say that I wouldn't be caught dead there.

ME:  Did you say any version of that?

TYLER:  I'm just too old--like you said--I'm too old to be spending every weekend at the local bar.

ME:  But you're not too old to spend every weekend at an identical bar in another city?

TYLER:  It's the excitement of meeting new people--

ME:  Sleeping with new people?

TYLER:  That's out of line.

ME:  I'm not shaming, I'm just saying you and I both know that's a factor. The difference between a gay destination spot and the beach town up the road with better food and a nicer beach is one of them has gay guys you can potentially make out with and one doesn't. I mean, let's just be honest.

TYLER:  Some people like being around people like them.

ME:  But why can't you be around people like you in the place where you live? And do you see how you--even your presence--would be contributing something to the community you live in?  If everybody thought like you, your area wouldn't even have a gay community.

TYLER:  I devote lots of time to my own community.

ME:  During the week? From five to seven? Every fifth Friday?

TYLER:  I think this is the result of people being jealous--

ME:  Why does it always come back to that with gay men?  If somebody is criticizing you, it doesn't mean they're jealous, but even if they are, it doesn't mean you're not being an asshole.

TYLER:  I'm an asshole for going on vacation?

ME:  Not if that's who you want to be, but you're saying you want to be thought of as someone else. If I want to be thought of as a farmer, I can't just buy a farm, I gotta do some farming.

TYLER:  I am committing almost the same amount of time as I have--

ME:  I just want to be clear. You're volunteering. That's amazing. At my theater, if you volunteer, I'm grateful. But there is such a thing as helpful and not helpful in terms of what someone is willing to do. If someone wanted to volunteer to usher at my theater at four o'clock in the afternoon on a Monday when we don't have shows, it's not that I don't appreciate that, but it's ultimately not helpful. I think what people in your community are saying is that a big part of being helpful is being at these events and also just being around in the community.

TYLER:  I'm willing to hear that. What I'm not willing to hear is an attack on my character--

ME:  And in some ways, I can see that happening. I'm sure people are pressed that you're living the high life in Europe, but I think this might be a great reflection point for you to think about how you want to be perceived, because this is how people are perceiving you. If you don't care, that's fine, but I know you've been fighting pretty hard on all of this.

TYLER:  Because it's nobody's business what I do.

ME:  If it's nobody's business, then why do you need to post about it every time you hit baggage claim, kitten?  I mean, you're the one putting it out there.

TYLER:  I--

ME:  What you don't get to do is put it out there and then turn off the comments, because then the assumption is that you're giving people something valuable. It's pictures of you on a beach with three blonde men who all like Helmsworth clones. Good for you, but you can't try to make people feel jealous, get them jealous or not jealous, and then say, 'Mind your business.' No, no, no.

TYLER:  I think I can do whatever I want, and as long as the work gets done--

ME:  They're saying the work isn't getting done, and it's not getting done for a really dumb reason.

TYLER:  What I need to do for my mental health--

ME:  If you're saying being around the gay people in the place where you live is not good for your mental health, then maybe you shouldn't live there.

TYLER:  It's not about the people here.

ME:  So the mental health benefit is meeting new people? New gay people?

TYLER:  Relaxing. Enjoying myself.

ME:  But you're only doing that--Listen, let's be real. There is nothing relaxing about you being up for forty-eight hours at Barcelona Pride. You might be enjoying yourself, but I don't see how it's relaxing. It's flexing, but it's not relaxing.

TYLER:  I disagree.

ME:  I'll ask you the same thing I asked the person you brought up before--If you couldn't post, take photos, take videos--Would you still want to go on all these vacations?

TYLER:  I think I would, because I was going on them for awhile before I started posting.

ME:  Why did you start?

(Silence.)

TYLER:  I--I don't know. I know I post now more than I did before, but I think that's just what happens.

ME:  Or is part of going on these trips tied into posting about them, and because one or both of those things is addictive, the addiction accelerates?

TYLER:  That could be.

ME:  And listen, straight people have been going to Cancun for years to bone each other, so nobody is judging you if you like to go away and do the same thing, and if you want to do it every weekend, good for you, but I think anytime you commit that much time to something, you are telegraphing to people that that's where your priorities are. Doesn't that seem fair?

TYLER:  It seems--Yes, it seems fair. I--I'll be honest with you. I didn't have a lot of money until a few years ago when I got hired at the company I'm at now, and I didn't know what to do with the money. I mean, I paid my bills, I did all that, but in terms of...how to have fun with it? I went on a big, expensive trip, and it was--It was a rush. It was a rush and with the rush came a lot of--What I think I believed to be happiness, but I've had time to reflect, like you said, with all this time spent at home, and I know that it's not necessarily happiness, but it is, um. It's--It's a chance to present happiness. I think, for me, it might be more of 'Fake it til you make it.' It isn't to make people jealous, it's--I can't be happy, but I can look happy. So why not look happy?

ME:  Thank you. I appreciate you being honest about that.

TYLER:  I am going to think about how much I'm here in the community, um, versus how much time I spend away doing other things.

ME:  Because I've been looking into you and you're smart. You're funny. You're someone that--like the message says--is an asset to the community, but to be an asset, you have to be there.

TYLER:  I understand that.

ME:  And that's coming from someone whose never been an asset to any community, so--

TYLER:  (Laughs.)  Then why am I listening to you?

ME:  I have no idea.  But hey, who should I talk to next?

TYLER:  Have you done anything on polyamory yet?

ME:  No.

TYLER:  I have somebody you can talk to.

ME:  Let's do it.

Tyler is still fighting his removal from several of the organizations in his community.